POEM: Eau Naturelle (or Nel Buffo)

I recently visited TOWCESTER
The day so hot – t’was a rowcester!
I wish this was CHOLMONDELEY
I told myself glomondeley
For this road’s a real roller cowcester

Then, lost in the Forest of BELVOIR
I spotted a Golden Retrelvoir
Whose feverish BERKS
Which frightened the lerks
Made him sound like an opera delvoir!

I met a young lady from BICESTER
But fancied Myfanwy, her sicester
Turns out she’s a ‘hooker’
I promptly forsook her
Thank Heavens I no more than kicest her

When I came up for trial in LEICESTER
The charge was that I had undreicest her
But her cousin from LEOMINSTER
Bore witness agaiominster
Revealing her real name was Heicester

I made my way west towards GLOUCESTER
In weather to suit Doctor Foucester
And as I reached SLAITHWAITE
I’ve had it, I vaithwaite
I plan to retire to a COUCESTER – (in Spain)

By Martin Walker, Keighley

Clues to pronunciation

TOWCESTER – Toaster
CHOLMONDELEY – Chumley
BELVOIR – Beaver
BERKS – Barks
BICESTER – Bister
LEICESTER – Lester
LEOMINSTER – Lemster
GLOUCESTER – Gloster
SLAITHWAITE – Slawit
COUCESTER – Costa