Latest Short Story: Holiday For One

Tenerife was our happy place, every year the same apartment. It really was a home from home. Sarah and Matt’s little paradise. Now it’s just filled with heart wrenching memories too painful to face. Matthew got the ‘Big C’ as it’s stupidly called – like it’s some kind of accolade. Lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life either. It took him quickly, no less painfully though. He withered away to nothing in a matter of weeks and that was it, gone forever. He told me just before he died, he would be with me always and he’d send me a sign if he could. He hasn’t and I feel alone.

Over the days and weeks after Matt’s passing everything was a blur. I felt numb and time passed by without me noticing. Matt’s funeral, his wake and the constant buzz of family and friends all happened in such a haze as if I was watching it from afar. Matt and I had no children, much to the dismay of our parents. “A couple of little Taylor’s running around is just what this family needs” my dad liked bleating, but that’s the way we liked it. We’d met in a nightclub when we were both 28, I’d just split up with a boyfriend and Matt had never had a serious relationship and something just clicked between us. We married a year later, and it’s been me and him against the world ever since. We bought the Tenerife apartment just after we married. It was the year we both turned thirty, so we decided to buy it as a wedding/birthday gift to each other and six months out of the year we were gone. Now I couldn’t face it, I’d feel alone in a place that was now nothing but memories. Memories I’d never be able to relive.

“Right then darling, cheers!” says Mum as we clink our wine glasses “now, how are you really?”

It’s been seven months now since I lost Matt; God that sounds so stupid, I haven’t mislaid him! Anyway, I’m on my way to meet my mum for lunch. It’s been ages since we met up and todays a good, I can get out of bed day so I’ve arranged to meet her at two o’clock at Gino’s Italian on the high street – I can see her sat waiting as I walk past.

“Hello darling!” calls Mum as she sees me approach “how are you getting on?” she throws her arms around me.

“I’m fine, Mum” I reply, slightly muffled by her shoulder, “how are you?”

“All the better for seeing you love” she smiles as we take our seat “I’ve ordered us a bottle of Pinot Grigio, why the hell not eh?”

“Indeed!” I reply as the waiter approaches with our wine in a bucket and two glasses.

“Right then darling, cheers!” says Mum as we clink our wine glasses “now, how are you really?” she asks after a decent gulp of wine. I puff out my cheeks and let out a large sigh.

“Not too bad actually” I reply, “I don’t feel so heavyhearted today.” Mum looks at me with her head tilted to one side, sympathy radiating from her face.

“Oh, love. I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been for you,” the concern growing on her face. “Have you not thought about getting away for a bit? What about the apartment?” I shake my head.

“No, no I can’t” I say “how could I go there without Matt? It’s not the same without him” Mum looked at me from her menu, the worry still etched in her face.

“He’d have wanted you to darling, remember him saying to get out there and meet up with Nick and Anna?” Nick and Anna bought the apartment next to ours just after we bought ours, they live there full time and we always met up when we were over and became great friends. When Matt was ill, he told me to enjoy life, get out to Tenerife and still be the fun-loving person I am. It was easy to agree at the time but without Matt, I’m no longer who I was.

“I know Mum,” I reply. “I just think it’ll be too hard.” We  finish our meals and say our goodbyes.

“Let’s not leave it so long next time,” says Mum, I kiss her on the cheek and make my way home. Mum had got me thinking about Tenerife. To be honest I’d forgotten all about Nick and Anna in my haze of grief, they would be a welcome distraction. Matt would be disappointed with me leaving it empty too. It would seem I’ve talked myself into it, with that I grab my laptop from the kitchen table and book my flights. Two days from now. Suddenly the doubt creeps in and the heavy heart is back. Tenerife without Matt – what have I done?

It’s the day of the flight. Usually I’d have woken with excitement, turning over to Matt with a big grin on my face. Now I turn to an empty pillow and let out a sigh, why did I let Mum talk me into this? I get out of bed and look in mirror. God my hair is wild; my mousey brown curls standing on end. I chase my curls into a ponytail and look again in the mirror – that will do. I grab my jogging bottoms and t-shirt from the back of my dressing table chair, the trousers were a little too big now. I’d not eaten much since Matt died, so my usual size twelve frame was now nearing a size ten. I tie the bottoms tightly; I don’t want them falling to my ankles at the airport! I put some concealer under my eyes, their usual blue seemed grey now as if Matt had taken their sparkle with him. I grab everything I need once I’m ready – I’d laid it all out last night to make sure I was organised. Even booked a taxi, which I can see approaching from my bedroom window. Let’s hope Nick and Anna can change my mood.

The flight to Tenerife went smoothly, no delays and I got my bags in no time at all. I’m stood outside the familiar airport; I know this place like the back of my hand, yet I feel lost without Matt by my side. I see the taxi line and wait my turn, climbing in the back. The driver doesn’t speak much English but gives me a warm smile and we sit in silence for most of the journey, only communicating for directions and payment. I step out of the taxi and look up at our apartment complex. The wave of emotion was overwhelming, and I break down into tears at the gate, sob after sob and I couldn’t stop. Being here without Matt is too hard. Why did I come?

I feel a hand on my back – It’s Anna, she must have been shopping as she’s carrying a huge bottle of water. She drops it and throws her arms around me, and I just cry into her shoulder. She’s wearing a bikini top and shorts, so I’m making her bare shoulder damp. Anna doesn’t say a word and holds me tight. I walk behind Anna up towards her apartment, walking past mine and Matt’s not daring to even look at the door in case I broke down again. We walk through the door, across the living room and straight out onto the balcony.

“The overwhelming sadness is back and just can’t bring myself to open the door, but I have to”

The views are still as amazing as I remember – the beach stretching on for miles and holiday makers creating memories. Anna and I take a seat facing each other, Anna’s face expression very much like my Mum’s the other day. “I was so sorry to hear about Matt,” says Anna, finally. “We knew he was poorly, he’d told us a while back, but it’s still such a shock,” Anna’s poker straight blonde hair has fallen from its bun position, so she rearranges it and slaps her hands back down on her toned legs – she’s always had an amazing figure, as long as I’ve known her anyway. “How are you coping?” she asks “have you been looking after yourself, you seem thinner than last time I saw you”

I look down at my figure, still drowned by my jogging bottoms and then back at Anna.

“It’s been a haze to be honest with you” I sigh “I’ve just felt lost.”

“I bet you have” she replies. With that we hear the front door open, it’s Nick.

“Honey. I’m home!” he shouts in a jovial American accent; he pops his head around the patio door and his eyes light up as he sees me. He hasn’t changed a jot, same short back and side’s hair style. Same style chequered shirt and cargo shorts. He’s tall but slim build.

“Sarah! Oh my god, how lovely to see you” he gives me a tight squeeze “So sorry about Matt”

“Thanks Nick, its lovely to see you” I reply with a grin “I’ve got to head back out again in two,” says Nick “but make sure you’re around later, we’ve some catching up to do.”

Nick leaves me and Sarah to it, she disappears for a moment and returns with a bottle of Cava and two glasses. For the next few hours, we sit in the sun and put the world to rights, Sarah leaving to retrieve another bottle.

“I just thought he’d have left me a sign, you know?” I say to Anna, slightly slurring.

“There’s still time!” she replies “it’s only been seven months, he just settling in and finding his bearings” I chuckled, she may be right, but I know Matt – he’d of wanted to put my mind at rest. We’d spoken when he was ill and I selfishly told him I didn’t want to be alone, like he didn’t have enough to worry about, and he was his usually lovely self, squeezing my hand and telling me he’d be with me always. I’m struggling to believe now; I’ve never felt so alone. I stand up with difficulty, this Cava’s gone to my head!

“Thanks for this Anna” I smile “think it’s just what I needed.”

“Anytime,” she grins back, “just shout over the balcony if you need us!”

I stumble out of Anna and Nick’s place and stand facing our apartment door. The overwhelming sadness is back and just can’t bring myself to open the door, but I have to. I can’t just stand here in the corridor with my suitcase. I fumble for my keys, there’s too much stuff in this handbag so I grab the spare key from above the sconce on the wall.

 

I put the key in the lock and take a long, deep breath. The smell of the apartment is overwhelming, it just smells like Matt, and it makes the tears fall from my eyes and I begin sobbing uncontrollably again. I just can’t do this – not without Matt.

I leave my suitcase by the door and walk around, still sobbing. I walk into our bedroom and flop down on the bed my eyes still streaming. I hear a crinkle under the pillow – it’s a letter, My Dearest Sarah. Oh my god, it’s from Matt! I go cold as I open it.

My Sarah,
if you’re reading this it means I’m no longer here. I wanted to write you this letter because I knew you’d come back to Tenerife – you’d be stubborn, but your Mum would twist your arm. You’re probably tipsy now after too many Cava’s with Anna and if I know you, you’ll now be crying. Be happy darling, know I am always with you. (You’re probably wondering how this letter got here – you have Nick to thank for that, speak with him later. I’ve left you little presents in all our favourite places) I promised I’d leave you sign. Love you always.
Matt xxx

The overwhelming sadness is moving away and is replaced by warmth, Matt’s here – I’m not alone.

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NorthernLife Nov/Dec 2022