A Very Northern Pantomime

Ding dong merrily on high, it’s almost the season for grannies everywhere to imbibe three pints of Baileys by midday and fall asleep in front of the telly, snoring at a level very similar to the rumble of a medium-sized jet plane.

After a couple of years where the pantomimes were either cancelled completely or at least restricted in some way, this year they are back all across the north and the rest of the UK. Oh no they’re not. OH YES THEY ARE. Right, that joke out of the way, let’s get on with the article. You could say of that gag that it is BEHIND US!

Sorry, that really is the end of the panto jokes. As I was saying, pantos are back and that is great. They are an essential part of the Christmas tradition, just as much as decking the halls, singing the carols, and trying to rouse the slumbering granny for a cold turkey sandwich.

But what if we put together an all-star northern panto line-up, who would be in it? What roles would they play? Could we afford to pay their wages? After a quick check with the Northern Life accounts department, the answer to the last question is a firm ‘no’. But we can answer the other two theoretical queries and then just imagine what it would be like in our brains. So here we go… welcome to NorthernLife’s very northern pantomime!

THE DAME

One of the pivotal characters in any pantomime is the dame. She is the driving force of the comedy of the show as well as being the driving force of embarrassment for parents who have to try and explain some of the more risque double entendres to their children in a PG manner. The dame is traditionally played by a man and many pantos have seen a transition from the dame being simply a bloke in a dress towards the role being taken on by a professional drag queen. Now, we have some of the best drag talent in the country round here, but special mention has to go to the West Yorkshire town of Brighouse, which really punches above its weight when it comes to superstar queens.

Yes, this location within Calderdale comprises just 10,000 people but has produced not one but two major UK drag queens.

Divina de Campo is a Brighouse lass who was the runner-up in the first series of Ru Paul’s Drag Race UK, following a string of other notable TV appearances. But just a few years later, Brighouse produced another Drag Race star, when another local star, Le Fil took part in Series 4.

As Brighouse is such a powerhouse of UK drag, it seems only fair to cast one of the Brighouse queens as the dame. Or maybe we should put on Cinderella and let them play the Ugly Sisters.

PRINCIPAL BOY

The principal boy was traditionally played by a woman, and is the hero of the piece. He’s the Peter in Peter Pan, he’s the Aladdin in Aladdin and he’s the Dick in Dick Whittington. When we cast our northern principal boy, we need someone who can carry the whole show, who can embody the role of someone who is very different from themselves in real life. There is only one answer: Rawtenstall’s Jane Horrocks. The Lancastrian thespian is one of the greatest British actors working in the industry today and, if you’ve ever seen her in Little Voice, you know that she can belt out a tune in any voice you ask for. So let’s get her name down on the list to carry our performance to absolutely fabulous heights.

PANTOMIME HORSE

One of the roles that generally goes underappreciated is that of the pantomime horse. For the time its on stage, the actor in the front end is completely covered by the costume, but they have it easy compared with the back end. The rear of the role has to endure being covered up and unappreciated at the same time as bending into a  position that has anyone over about 35 wincing at the very prospect. How there isn’t a recognised medical condition known as Pantomime Horse’s Back, I do not know.

So, I’ve decided I will not put an actor through this gruelling role. But we do still need a horse-like creature to complete our northern pantomime. Luckily, we have a solution. If we don’t want a potential lawsuit from an actor who finishes their run in the show and then can’t stand up straight until March, we need to think smart. The answer is on Blackpool beach. Let’s use a proper Blackpool donkey to appear as the pantomime horse. It’s the role they were born to play! Oh no it isn’t.

THE BADDIE

The baddie is one of the most fun parts in the pantomime. You get to overact to your heart’s content, snarling and shouting at the audience who readily boo your every move and utterance. It needs a bold and brave actor with a booming voice and the stage presence of an acrobatic, juggling elephant.

Once again, this show casts itself. It has to be Brian Blessed in this role. It couldn’t be anyone other than the South Yorkshire-born actor, raconteur and general force of nature. What a King Rat he would make!

PRINCIPAL GIRL

This is another role that demands a powerful singing voice. The principal boy and girl have to bring the house down with their romantic duet at the climax of the pantomime. She is usually a princess of some kind too, so not only does she have to have a cracking set of pipes, she also needs to ooze glamour.

So, who will play our principal girl in the northern panto?

Someone northern, someone who loves a bit of glitz, someone used to performing in front of a raucous audience in trying circumstances.

It can only be Wakefield’s Jane McDonald. Surely a cruise ship crowd, fuelled by all-inclusive Pinot Grigio, would make even an audience of Haribo-high children seem like an easy ride, allowing our Jane to give the performance of her life!

NorthernLife Nov/Dec 22