Gypsy Jim’s Predictions for 2023 in Yorkshire and Lancashire

January

As shoppers return to the high streets of Yorkshire and Lancashire, fuelled by the unpopular Quality Streets initially discarded over the festive period, and in a desperate attempt to avoid another dish created using leftover turkey, the January sales get into full swing. There is a problem in Hull, however, when an over-keen electrical store sales person accidentally allows a customer to purchase the Humber Bridge for £4.75.

“I’m not sure what happened,” admitted the anonymous employee, “I was just trying to upsell this lovely older lady our Premium Platinum Super-Duper TV Warranty plan for her new telly, went to put it through the till and rang up the Humber Bridge instead.”

A hastily arranged legal meeting in the East Riding debates for hours over the legality of the purchase before concluding that the transaction is valid and that the woman in question, Edith Brambleberry from Beverley, is within her rights to demand free delivery to her home in the market town. “I think I’ll use it as an ornament over my fishpond” chuckles the 87-year-old when interviewed by Peter Levy on Look North.

February

Valentine’s Day is rife with controversy after Yorkshire and Lancashire are spotted in a romantic clinch. The counties, previously believed to be sworn enemies, refuse to respond to speculation that they are now an item, leading to weeks of rumour and intrigue in the celebrity press.

An anonymous source, believed to be Cumbria, is quoted by Good Morning Britain as saying, “It’s all true, I saw it happen. Lancashire had its hand on Yorkshire’s Ingleton, I’m fairly sure Lancashire was flaunting its Whalley around as well. It’s disgusting if you ask me. I could barely stand to watch it happen for the half an hour I was observing it.”

The relationship is not to last, unfortunately, as the couple split under the intense media interest. Cheshire is said to be devastated, having already bought a hat for a potential wedding. The separation is said to be amicable though, with both parties agreeing to hold joint custody of the Pennines.

March

There is a surprise in the world of film, as the producers of the Oscars forgo the traditional location of the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood and seek out  alternative premises to host the awards ceremony in order to reflect the straightened times in which we live.

After much scouting around the world, it is revealed that the 95th Academy Awards will be broadcast to an audience of billions around the world from Barnoldswick Civic Hall in Lancashire. The hall, which boasts a variety of rooms and facilities for  events, parties, meetings and business,” plays host to the great and good of the movie world for the night, with catering from Barry’s Mobile Pie and Pea Van.

As an attempt to ingratiate themselves with their new hosts, the Academy chooses a local act to present the event. They opt for 72-year-old self-styled ‘blue comedian and burlesque dancer’ Dawn Blenkinsop, who performs under the name The Craic of Dawn, as host.

Dawn stamps her authority early on by punching actor Will Smith square in the face and warning him off “any of that funny business from last year.”

The event is hailed as one of the most successful of recent times, but ends in disaster for George Clooney, who is arrested after vomiting a kebab and 15 pints of mild over a police car following a raucous after party at the Cross Keys on Church Street.

June

With the return of summer, plans heat up for a bold construction project at Saltburn-by-the-Sea. The local council are keen to build trade relationships overseas and draw up plans to extend the town’s pier across the North Sea to Denmark.

Currently standing at 681 feet long, the new extension would see it span a gigantic 600 miles to the Scandinavian nation, connecting the two countries for the first time.
“Yes, there are challenges,” says the Pier Project President Gavin Horsepotato, “ships will have to navigate around it somehow and it’s not really practical to drive cars along the pier. But we imagine we will iron those issues out as we go.”

The project is inspired by the success of the Channel Tunnel. “Look at all the tourism they get in Kent because there’s a direct route to Europe,” says Horsepotato, “we want some of that for North Yorkshire too. Just think about all the cheap Lego we would be able to bring directly into Saltburn. This will pay for itself within months. Mark my words.”

When asked why Saltburn was the ideal location, Horsepotato replies, “well, it’s the only pleasure pier in Yorkshire, so we’re already part of the way there, aren’t we? If we went from Redcar, we’ll need another 600 feet of pier materials on top of the rest. It makes total sense.”

September

An administrative error on behalf of the local council means that a primary school in Morecambe starts the new educational year with a parrot as headteacher. The initial choice of human headmaster, a Mr P Ritty-Polly was due to send his identification documents into the council in time to process his employment, but the exotic bird, which had escaped from a nearby home, appeared on the window sill of the HR office in late July. When asked its name, it replied “pretty Polly” and was immediately served with a year’s contract and details of the school’s health and safety policy.

After a rocky start to his tenure, the parrot begins to make real changes and even manages to steer the school through an Ofsted inspection with flying colours in the November. By the following July, the parrot is nominated for Teacher of the Year at the annual awards ceremony. However, it was pipped at the post by an aardvark who is currently acting head of science at a secondary academy in Suffolk.

NorthernLife Jan/Feb 2022