Christmas Cancelled

Rod Butterworth, Rochdale

I’m not having the family this Christmas,
They must go to some other address!
I could have them for criminal damage
Last year’s was a terrible mess.
It started going bad after dinner
When beer, wine and spirits came out,
Unseen, all the children had pinched some
And were burping and falling about.
My sister had promised to help me
Clear the stuff off the table, wash up
By the time it got piled in the kitchen
She smelled whisky and started to sup.
Then Grandma who doesn’t drink really
Spilt her third sherry over the cat
She said, “Serves you right you fat moggy
For last year when you pee’d on my hat!”
No-one could get in the toilet
The door had been bolted inside
Auntie Alice was in with a neighbour
To this day not identified.
There was a queue for the toilet to open,
When it did, came relief one by one
When asked “Who was in there with Alice?”
“Father Christmas,” said Jack, “But he’s gone!”
My husband, who I always relied on
And had helped me with cooking the grub,
Was nowhere around to call ‘order’,
He had sloped off with Dad to the pub.
So I’m not having the family for Christmas
I couldn’t go through that again,
I couldn’t care less if they’re sulking
I’m going with my husband to Spain.