10 differences between Northerners and Southerners (UK)

differences between Northerners and Southerners

By Tim Collins

Ask a southerner what the main differences between Northerners and Southerners are and they’ll scoff that they’ve got gas and electricity, and don’t have to use the kettle to fill up the bath (or barth, as they call it). But you should be aware of a few genuine differences between the inhabitants of these two regions.

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1Northerners are friendlier

Walk into a shop and greet the person behind the counter in the North and they’ll greet you back. Walk into a shop in the South and greet the shopkeeper and they’ll tell you to buy something or get lost.

Try to turn out of a side road in the North and a fellow motorist will stop, give you a thumbs-up and let you onto the road. Try to turn out of a side road in the South and you’re likely to get a different hand gesture altogether.

The simple truth is that northerners are nicer. We say ‘thank you driver’ as we step off the bus. We make small talk in queues. We even, God forbid, chat to people who live on the same street as us. All of which might seem implausible to southerners who, despite being shoved into close physical proximity in their overcrowded bit of the island, act as if everyone around them is a hologram.

It makes you wonder why hermits bother to find caves when they want to escape from human contact. If they really want to achieve complete isolation, the best thing they can do is sit on a crowded rush hour tube and try and start a conversation.

2Northerners can hold their drink

A pub in Newcastle once offered customers free use of the toilets with every five pints of lager they bought. Needless to say, none of their patrons were soft enough to take them up on the offer, with most locals waiting until at least the following Tuesday to strain their greens.

3Northerners actually spend some of their waking hours outside of work

I know this sounds crazy, but in the North it’s actually possible to hold down a job by putting in less than seventy hours a week. In fact there are even some workplaces that are deserted at 5pm because everyone’s gone home or down the pub. I know that anyone down South who was caught suggesting such a worker’s uprising would be given a formal warning,but that’s what happens.

4Northerners can pop home after work before going out for the night

Many northerners live so near to where they work they can go home and get ready before going out on weeknights. Imagine that, commuters in the South East. It means you don’t have to wear dull office clothes in the pub or drag huge laptop bags around. You can even have a shower and roll on some deodorant before going out. So contrary to the stereotype that we only use baths to store coal or ride down hillsides in, most northerners are actually cleaner than their sweaty southern counterparts.

5Northerners have a bit more space around them

We don’t have to cram ourselves into trains and buses so tightly that we catch diseases off each other. We don’t have to go home to wardrobes that estate agents have sold to us as ‘luxury compact apartments’. And we can go for a walk in a park that’s slightly less crowded than Harrods on the first day of the January sales. And the irony, of course, is that northerners are nicer, so you don’t even want to be further away from them.

A day trip to the countryside from London really does take up an entire day. Wherever you are in the North, you can pop out for a country stroll and be back within a couple of hours. And we get proper countryside up here too, rather than the slightly less built-up industrial estates that count as countryside down South.

6Northerners offer their seats to pregnant women

If a pregnant woman gets on a bus or train in the North, it’s likely that someone nice will give up their seat so she can sit down. If a pregnant women gets on a bus or train in the South, everyone will bury their heads deeper into their broadsheets, pretend they haven’t seen her and mutter to themselves, ‘Well, she’s made her own bed and now she’s got to bloody well lie in it.’

7Northerners are harder

It’s a proven scientific fact that northerners are harder than southerners. Well, there’s no actual evidence, but come on. Just look at them. The hardest men in the entire south, such as Vinnie Jones and Ross Kemp, could still be beaten by the weakest, most malnourished child from the North. Even the words they use to describe hard people like ‘naughty’, ‘handy’ and ‘tasty’ sound soft.

8Northerners can actually do something useful

Ever tried to hire a plumber, a decorator or an electrician down South? Chances are they’ll turn up, make a mess and then get called away on an ‘urgent job’ for a few weeks, only to hit you with a bill that’s five times the estimate when they finish months later. The reason they behave like this is because they can. They enjoy their position of power because most southerners lack basic practical skills. They’re perfectly capable when it comes to wanging on in meetings. But when it comes to useful stuff they can’t find their arse with both hands. Let’s just take comfort from the notion that in the barbaric dark age we’ll all be plunged back into with the coming global apocalypse, we northerners can use our manual skills to build shelters and hunt for food while southerners huddle around the last remaining Nobo board and hold a brainstorming session about how to avoid starvation.

9The climate is warmer in the North

Admittedly, the statistics don’t back me up on this one. But think about it. Northerners wear T-shirts or skimpy dresses all year round, while southerners run off crying to the big coat shop as soon as August is over. So it must be true.

10The Currency is Different

Although the money used in the North and in the South looks the same, there are in fact two totally separate currencies, with one north pound equal to roughly four south pounds. If you’re planning a trip to the South, a good rule of thumb is to work out how much you think you’ll need, then double it, then double it again, then sell all your possessions and shove the money into a wheelbarrow before heading south.

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12 COMMENTS

  1. As a Northerner who also has quite a few Southern relatives and so has spent their share of holidays down that way I think some of the points are a bit hit and miss to be fair. I would firstly say the references to Southerner’s in this list are largely South East/London based and, while it can’t really be denied that people in the South East are quite reserved I think there are probably a few factors at play here i.e it is very busy and overcrowded and there is a constant rotation of people coming and going. Could I truly be arsed to get to know everybody every 5 minutes? If I’m honest, probably not… Also, some of the more middle class areas of the North and the wealthy enclaves in Cheshire and the likes are just as frosty as they would be if they were located in the South (actually it probably feels worse as they are located in the North and one expects a little bit of small talk about when the rain is going to stop rather than being scowled at and seeing an electric gate close in your face I would argue).

    In terms of the countryside I think it’s a big stretch to say there isn’t any beautiful scenery in the South. Cornwall is one of the most unique and beautiful counties in the country to name just one pretty part of the South… Again, this is all a bit London centric (though I would have to strongly argue the beauty of the home counties is for the most part extremely overrated and primarily rooted in the fact that city workers idolise a proper house with a proper garden instead of a flat the size of Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs)… That all said I think Yorkshire has the most to offer out of all the counties in England, no competition. (And considering I’m a Lancashire lass, you should take that comment very seriously!).

    I’m a very proud Northerner, but I think we’re as guilty of the stereotypes as Southerner’s are sometimes.

  2. Isn’t quite all true.
    Remember not all southerners come from London.
    For example there is countryside in the east, south and west country.

  3. I think you missed out; Southerners don’t have a sense of humor, and lack any understanding of “taking the piss.”
    While Northerners are quite happy and laugh at themselves even in the face of total damnation.

  4. What an absolutely pathetic article. Funny how there’s all these “Things northerners hate about southerners” articles about yet not a single article against northerners. You all can’t be that nice, obviously have a bit too much drink, clearly need to spend some more time at work, must have too a bit too much time and space. Oh I can’t go on arguing against your point, the stupidity is great in you. Why on earth would you identify yourself after writing this?!

  5. Im so confused.. is this sarcasm or a joke or what? If not you need to either do some research or get a life.

  6. Hi! you are very funny, northeners and southeners also. The same happens in my country, Argentina, we are used to saying that people living in the north of the country are really kind, more amiable than the ones that live in the South, who are cold and hard, as the weather conditions of the Patagonia. The people who live in the middle of the country, over the east (..of course, where I Live), are the best of them all. We are more educated, well dressed and the kindest people you can ever meet and …..jaja! ..as you see, in every country there are differences of any sort, in Italy the ones who live in Milan “detest” the ones that live in Naples, and viceversa…. but, in the end, in front of harsh circumstances everything changes and “birds of a feather flock together”! Don´t you thinkso?

  7. What an absolute shower of horse-sh*t. Have you ever actually been anywhere further south of Salford?. No, thought not. I should think most Northerners themselves cringed at your total and utter ignorance. Get a life.

  8. Complete tripe. I’m a southerner living in the North and sadly you have mistaken the entire south for just London. Where I’m from it’s countryside, beach and a short train journey to cities. Just a shoddy piece of un-researched nonsense.

  9. Totally wrong. I read so many wrong things in this article about southerners. Too many to go through. This article was written telling northerners what they want to hear and not the actual truth

  10. Obviously written by a Northerner haha. From my experience I’d say you’re completely wrong. You get good and bad people where ever you are. And what a load of b******* about Northerners being tougher haha. I live on the coast south east of England and still wear t shirt and shorts in Winter, your so called “facts” are indeed false. I presume you dated someone from the south who broke your heart and this is your way of “getting back at them”.

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